Monday, March 3, 2014

My Bitch Fuse Flipped

Today, I yelled at my neighbor.  Why?  Because she asked me to stop by for a moment. 

This woman has been a friend for a long time.  We both lived in a previous housing complex together.  She's babysat my son.  She's celebrated holidays with us.  We've gone camping together, we go shopping together, we are good friends.  Yesterday, she gave me $20 just because I need it and she had it.  

Today, she needed a friend and I told her I was too busy.  I was an asshole to my sweet, 50-something year old friend.

In my defense, I was having one of those mornings where I wanted to be doing something for myself and everyone in the world needed me to be doing something for them. 

The Girl was crying for me, not to nurse or be changed, she just wanted up.  The elementary school had called to say that The Boy was throwing up while I was on the phone scheduling his therapies for this week.  Justin needed me to schedule some doctor appointments and finish a discussion with him about returning to temp. work.  My mother was texting me (a sore spot for me right now) and someone was Facebooking me.  I'd just opened up the mail to find that our insurance check bounced and that our car is in danger of being taken away

And, of course breakfast needed to be made, but the dishes needed to be done first and the garbage needed to be taken to the dumpster....  All on a morning that I really just needed some time to myself.

My friend slammed her door and I had myself a little tantrum in the middle of our snowy parking lot.  I growled something about not being a free psychologist for everyone in our apartment complex.  Then, I took a breath and knocked on her door.

What did my friend need? 

She had accidentally locked the touch panel on her stove and couldn't read the small print in the manual to figure out how to unlock it so she could make some tea. 


Poverty is this disease that causes you to stress about EVERYTHING.  It occupies all the bandwidth in my brain, assaulting me 24/7.  Trying to sort budgets and meal planning and who won't get paid this month and which shutoff I can get help for and which one I need to put on the credit card... all in my head.  To stay sane, I need a lot of alone time throughout the day and needy children and clingy friends don't allow for that. 

The phone constantly rings or there is someone at the door.  Student loan debt, electric bill past due, people selling things I could never afford, a preacher and his family wanting to share the word of the Lord with me.  Even at night, either The Girl wants to nurse and climb all over me or Justin wants to have grown-up time.  I have taken to retreating to the bathroom, but they find me anyway.

So, instead of making myself some breakfast and relaxing this morning, I was pulling my boots on and doing a bunch of stuff for other people.  My neighbor's door opened, she shouted to me across the parking lot about needing some attention...

And I snapped.  Thank goodness she's forgiving.

BTW, if you ever accidentally lock the control panel on a Whirlpool Electric Range, just hold the lock button down until it beeps.  {Stacey}

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